Thursday, April 23, 2009

DEAR JONATHAN

My new friend May wrote a letter to her daughter, Vera, who has Trisomy 18. She has just turned 14th month old yesterday.

So i decided to do the same ... not because Jonathan turned 12 yrs, 2 months and 17 days today, but because of what happened this morning.

Dear Jonathan,

You woke up this morning at 5am, soaking wet at the waist from the leaked diaper.

You called and you called but I didn't notice it because I only slept at 3.30am this morning. But when I woke up after you touched my face, I found out that your pajama trousers were wet.

I regret not coming to you sooner, even when I was just lying next to you. You must have felt uncomfortable but thankfully, your pajama top was not very wet.

I changed you in the early hours of the morning and as usual, after waking you couldn't go back to sleep. You needed me and both of us drifted slowly back to sleep.

This morning it was difficult getting up, but I managed when the alarm went off at 7.15am. Read the devotional {which I can't even remember in my sleepy stupor} but managed to shower and got ready.

You woke up with the slightest movement and even though you were sleepy, you didn't go back to sleep again thinking I would return to your bedroom. It was daddy who went to you so you could catch a few more shut-eyes before it was time to go to school.

You were very tired and I tried forcing you to go to school. You whined and I still forced to you get up. You cried and I still said you had to get changed. You didn't wail. Just silent tears that rolled down from your eyes.

Why did I insist that you go to school today? It's because of the numerous times you have missed school. We go to school for one day and then events happened that prevent us from going for the rest of the week.

I felt guilty that you were missing out ... I felt guilty that the teachers and therapists were missing you ... I felt guilty that, you, not being in school was disrupting alot of things ... I just felt guilty.

Most of all, I felt guilty that I had to enforce it on you because of how I felt.

In the end, when I took you in my arms, you fell immediately into a deep sleep. That was how tired you were ... and all I thought of was my own feelings and the feelings of others and not yours. I cried silently so as not to wake you, thankful that I made the decision to let you stay home.

Today, mommy made a mistake. Things happened beyond our control. I shouldn't have been angry with GOD too. I took things too seriously.

You are a great child and I'm thankful to God for your lovely nature. You love me and daddy so much that you don't ask for much. Even today when I asked if you wanted a toy, you said no. Not only today but almost every time when we want to buy you something.

You are just you and we love you for that.

Mummy will be even more sensitive to your needs.

Love Mummy

1 comment:

May said...

You love me and daddy so much that you don't ask for much - this moved me to tears. what a way to look at it. yes Vera will prob not know how to pester me for a toy!

Please don't feel guilty that he is missing out, I believe he is already trying his best.

For Vera, it's the other way round. I see her so tired from school I feel guilty for pushing her!